I'm done here, for now. I'm just gonna say my goodbyes, pack, and wait. I'm not gonna get riled up over the struggle with Alyssa. I won't chicken out to protect my mother from Alyssa's teenage years, or my brother from the daily emotional hurricanes. I want to promise this to myself. I need to believe that I'm wanted here(peripherally), but not necessarily needed. I'm pretty positive that Matt can pick up my chores, get a job, and maybe push ma into getting him driving hours. Whatever. Whatever, whatever, whatever, whatever. Seriously? It's their shit, not mine.
So, as of today, I'm going to talk with my dad about the fact that I'm gay tomorrow. That was one of the biggest things on my resolution list. It'll be great. Trapped in the awkward space of his car. Not looking at each other. SICKENING silence. What is he gonna do, laugh it off? That's not him. He'll internalize it. Thanks, dad. You're the best. Despite all of it, I'll still try to make the best of it.
I'm planning for the future, but it's like treating an unidentified illness. Success is a shot in the dark unless I know exactly how to go about it. One unknown factor, and everything is different. If my plan doesn't work, I'll suffer greatly for it, spending maybe a year or more regrouping. If it does work, I won't know if it'll keep taking me closer to my goal. It could work for a time, but break down during a change I may encounter.
I have a plan. I have a plan 'b.' I have goals, and I have the ambition to want to meet them. I'm struggling with my drive and my focus. It's the fear. Fear that I am a 'Joe Schmo,' and nothing better. I want to believe that I can try, and it'll impress someone. I know that it's a feeble belief. It makes me want to quit. I won't though, because I have no right to squander whatever ability I have. Not when I can try to help some suffering souls with the time I have to live. Idealistic talk has no weight though. I've got to act on this.
Sister wants me to be practical, yet ambitious. She has become more of a success that I'll ever be capable of. I didn't impress anyone with my high school years. I did disappoint a lot of people, including myself. I'll disappoint more, I'm sure. Peace Corps? Yeah, that's aiming high. It's based on your drive, what you've shown to be capable of. Character. Why should I even bother, when I know I've impressed no one with my character? Not yet, anyway. I'm still going for it though, because it's not about me. That's what impresses me about myself. I only want to impress those who will let me join the Peace Corps, so I can put idealism into activism.
Someday soon, this path will be under my feet. I'm so ready, so scared, and so out of my league.

You are weak.

You act as if she cares. You want her to care, as if it matters. She will never care.

She is horrible and beautiful, balancing out as impossible. She is everything you are against, yet everything you want.

If she cared, you would not have had the summer to yourself, alone. Reeled in by an outcast, you have only that. You feed this outcast confidence, and it drains you. You are reminded of what you lack. He has surpassed you, and now you are alone.

She has forgotten what great friends you were. You want to blame yourself as if it isn't her fault. She has driven everyone away, and they don't even know it. She is a con.

"How can you expect to have friends if you don't even know how to be one?"

She hates you for some unknown, random reason. When she laughs, you laugh. You used to make her laugh. Not anymore. Not the way anyone else would laugh. She laughs with pity. She laughs at you.

You should make a stand, but you are weak.

So this is what I'm up against.

Devastation. The close of the first eighteen years of my life. The devastation will happen before the close of this year. I cannot skirt around my potential with insufficient drive any longer.

Direction. I cannot falter now, not while I have such talent. Never laying waste to the gift I've been given. The gift of healing. I will present the suffering with strength and integrity. They will be at some measure of peace.

Determination [Shii-Cho]. He will be found, so long as I stay true to myself. Although it is never that easy, I cannot afford to give up one love in hope for another.

Six years. Six years in this place. I have learned much, but have been taught little. Every moment has mattered to me. Every soul I've communicated with. Yet here, now, in the last few days of this year, some face an apocalypse. Some face a golden age, however short it may be. Others beg for tomorrow and yesterday. Many dream. Dream of a moment in an age where life is shaped by brilliant minds; where desire for power is a foreign concept. Too few are happy. Too few act.

One day, a name can be spoken. Reverence it will cause. Strength it will bring. These are just the musings of a visionary. What can be done, is simple. Follow the path of my ability, and do my best to aid those who cross my path.

"Time, it passes and it tells us what we're left with
We become the things we do
Me, I'm a fool, spent from defiance, yeah you got me but
I didn't give up on you"

Speech in Springfield, Illinois

Niman: Form VI


"Where we've been has left us burned
Still I won't turn now from a fight
You know I'll never win."

Who in their right mind has the audacity to judge another, save oneself? The opposition is as necessary as it is requested.

In all honesty, if one has even a single shred of tact, one would hold one's tongue. On the other hand, if one is in a situation where a judgement is based on a mutual constant (i.e. a law), one is encouraged to advocate for the given mutual constant.

Often times the mutuality of a constant is inconsistent. This is where one finds oneself at odds with someone else. A clash of perspectives. The best way for one to resolve this situation would be a non-related third party, or to just move on.

This is just my non-supported hypothesis, so ignore it if you disagree. Too few appreciate peace and acquiescence. I, myself, disagree with others often. However, I'd much rather listen to other people. I like to listen to how others see the universe. Without that, it is like staring at the world through a crack in the door, but maybe that's just hearsay.

He will pass away, and he can't save her from the hole it will create in her soul. There will always be that insurmountable standard. She will be irreparable in one light, and only suffering in another. The difference is all that matters. She will get through this, but that is advice for another day, if and when it will matter. What if this was one of your best friends once upon a time? A year ago? Would you do all that you can to be a presence in her life? Or would you shut your fucking mouth about caring, because it's bullshit since you didn't push back when she pushed you away?

It was such a quiet thing, taking an entire year to manifest itself into something that I could understand. She resents the pain I caused her best friend. This is why I mean nothing to her. I LOVE HER, as only a good friend can, and I am not allowed to be there for her.

I could say that she has enough people to help her, but I don't believe that and neither does she. I'm not saying it should matter to her how I feel, I'm saying it matters to me how she will fare in this situation. In this apocalypse of sorts. It will either make or break her. If she breaks, one man's last wish for peace and happiness, for those he loves, will fall on deaf ears. It means everything to me that she does not break. To suffer, to mourn, but not to shatter beyond the repairing ability of those who love her. She deserves to live with her memories without regret, but to never forget the man that built her character, taught love and passion so well, and will always be wise council for her in time's future.

I can only hope it means something that I care. I expected too much. She had no intention of salvaging a connection that wrought pain and heartache from her BEST friend. If I am forgiven, it won't be anytime in the near future.

It's been awhile since I've posted anything legitimate, or of the informal & blunt variety. Something has changed. I've lost whatever momentum I had from the SSRI, and now I feel like I'm not making the right choices. What I want and what I enjoy should be focused, to some extent, towards my major, but they're not. I enjoy psychology, but I know it's not something I want. Now here's the kicker: I want some sort of relationship before I snap.

That's what I want. Not a job to help support mom and sis. Whatever happened to my selflessness? I suppose that I just want some reassurance that this train is on track to whatever will make me happy. Mother can just sit and spin. She is dependent on Jess and I to pull our family out of this rut.

I haven't the faintest why my cousin did it, but I want out. I WANT. That doesn't matter though, does it? I can't want, at least not at my age. Okay, duh. So I need a job, if only to accumulate the Benjies to walk. I don't want to enjoy what I do; I want to LOVE what I do. Perhaps, in my musings, I'll find someone.

That is why I have to do this. For me and then for them, savvy?

Sorry. Yesterday was just so shitty. It seemed a bit better after Steven called. Then it was shitty again. I figured that I just needed to get my mind off of it. So I watched lord of the rings: fellowship. I fell asleep halfway through it. I woke up on time 4 school. I showered. I got ready my lunch. I waited for tyty at the end of the street until the bus came back down Gorham hill. I then left for home and decided I couldn't actually face my class today. So I told my mom I was taking a mental holiday. She interpreted it as me pulling one over on her. She also thought that I was pissed because I couldn't use the Camry. I told here she was just guessing and that she hadn't a clue. She was going to drive me to school, but I told her that I had something to tell her but couldn't tell her until I’ve told jess. She got pissed and proceeded to tell me I was "mistrusting her" and "why do I have to wait two days" and all that cal. I said that she would be in the loop soon enough. She tried to guess what it was and came up with me moving out. I laughed and said "not any time soon that I know of." I told her that I was extremely stressed out by my class and didn't want to face them. She repeated her mistrust line. I said that I obviously trust her because I’m gonna let her in. I told her it has nothing to do with anybody else and that it has nothing to do with actions but rather that it is apart of me and who I am. She said that she still didn't get it. After a minute of palpable silence, she changed the subject. She said that Jamie bought a Honda element through Berlin city dealership, but didn't go through Dave. She said he could've gotten a better deal through Dave instead of the other salesman and that we could've used the money. I told her that he isn't the brightest star in the Milky Way and probably forgot about Dave. [I don't actually know whether he forgot or not] She told me to get some sleep if I’m that stressed. Also adding the comment "You don't seem stressed and if you were it’s your fault because you're not caught with your work" or something like that. I fell asleep until 13:30 and remembered senior dues are due today. I went and told her. She flipped out and told me I should have remembered that. She pulled the "fine, whatever" act and told me to be back in a timely manner and to put some gas in the Camry [that’s the reason I couldn't take it this morning]. I didn't argue with that. I thanked her even. I know I’m on thin ice. She’s going out on a whim with me. I was back with the Camry, lacking gas. I didn't have any money left in my account. $40.26 in the account; senior dues are $40.00. She said I should have asked her for gas money because she had $2.00. I apologized and went upstairs to make lunch. I brought her down some soup while she was arguing with some bank interest guy. I went to finish watching lord of the rings in my room. She interrupted 45 minutes later with her soup and said she couldn't eat it because she was full from lunch she made while I was gone. I finished her soup for her. She came in my after matt came home and showed her his report card. She found a new excuse for me staying home. I tried to convince her I forgot that today was the day report cards came out. It was said with all honesty. I told her that my grades are bad and that I would not have hesitated to hand her my report card. I also said that with all honesty. That’s where we left off. Now here I am. Did I do a crappy job at convincing her? Did I make a mistake by disclosing as much as I did? Should I just tell her now and stop playing with her head, or should I still wait it out to tell jess in person and then tell her? Am I just in over my head? Should I kill Dave? [Jk, lol! (Haha)]